Supporting people with their funeral wishes is not always an easy task, especially for those reluctant to contemplate their own funeral or the funeral of a loved one. But when someone has died, people often find it helpful to know what that person would have wanted their funeral to be like.
It might be something as simple as the name of a song, a favourite poem or the colour they want people to wear, or it could be something much more detailed. The point is that it gives those who are arranging the funeral a place to start and a feeling that they are fulfilling their wishes.
Celebrants can find themselves discussing funeral wishes in a number of ways. It might be that they are supporting someone who is near the end of their life and wants to make some simple choices to help those left behind. It could be that they are discussing funeral arrangements with someone who has been recently bereaved. Whatever the situation, a calm, considered and holistic approach is key.
We caught up with Sarah Jones, founder of Full Circle Funerals and author of the funeral self-help book Funerals Your Way: A person-centred approach to planning a funeral, to hear her excellent advice on how best to support people in this process.
Having a funeral plan
I wrote Funerals Your Way to help people understand what is possible and to feel more able to articulate what they want. I wanted to share knowledge that would help people feel more in control so that the funeral itself could be a positive and helpful event, rather than something to ‘get through’.
One of the other benefits of encouraging people to think about funerals, even if they are not actively needing to plan one, is that it raises awareness of the benefits of discussing funeral wishes. This is something that can be hard to do if you don’t have a basic understanding of funerals.
I have come across a lot of people who have been asked by a funeral director “what would you like for your funeral?”, and this can be an intimidating question. However, softer approaches that inspire conversation and thinking include: “It would be helpful for me to know how you would like your beliefs to be reflected in your funeral” or “Do you know that you can have a funeral service almost anywhere. Do you have any thoughts about where you would like us to gather?” People who have read the book have told me that they felt more confident to ask these important questions.
Keeping the person at the centre of the funeral
The best place to start is to spend five minutes thinking about the person themselves. Their life, beliefs, character and interests will inform the choices that are made next, and you can make sure the funeral reflects them as an individual. It may be that they were passionate about the environment, in which case you might want to consider some green funeral options, or they might have been a very sociable person and would want a big gathering to celebrate their life. Think too about places that were special to them and whether there was any particular music that meant something to them.
Often this conversation can be a difficult one to start. However, once you begin talking you are likely to find that thoughts and memories flow freely and the whole process takes on new meaning.
As a funeral director or someone who is supporting a bereaved individual or family, it is important to keep in mind both the person who has died and the person who is bereaved. The reason that I am so passionate about sharing information about the funeral choices available to people is that by doing so I hope that more person-centred support will become the norm and standards of care will continue to rise accordingly.
Funeral rituals
Rituals play a part in both the funeral itself and the time afterwards. They help people to feel connected to the event and the person who has died. One example might be that if they were a member of the armed services, standard bearers may be invited and the Last Post might be played. Things that happen afterwards can include scattering ashes, putting up a headstone or visiting a special place. Some people choose to write a song or poem in memory of someone and play or perform it on birthdays and anniversaries. Others create a piece of art to place in their home so that they can reflect on the person who has died.
The funeral arrangements
There are lots of things that can be included in a funeral service and we give people space to think about what they really want. It is important to remember that although there are many options, there are very few necessities and a funeral can be made to feel very personal.
Sometimes the choices can be overwhelming and it is helpful if those of us who are supporting people to make arrangements avoid offering too many options. Instead, we can listen to their ideas and help them expand on them. We shouldn’t be afraid of talking openly about costs either. Funerals can be very expensive and people are likely to want to base some decisions on value and what is most important to them.
Language and formalities
One of the things that many people struggle with is the language used by celebrants and funeral directors. For example, we might talk about the committal, cremation and embalming. There are all sorts of words associated with death that can seem mysterious and confusing. Part of our job is to talk about things in a simple, uncomplicated way so that those who are making choices about a funeral have the facts and information they need to decide what they want to happen.
Funerals your way
I became a funeral director because I believe that funerals are an opportunity for people to begin to accept loss and embark more positively on their bereavement journey. Everyone I support has different needs and my role is to create a space where they can begin to think about what would be helpful for them. Through gentle, guided conversation, we can work together to create an event that is right for that unique individual and their family and friends.
Further reading
Funerals Your Way by Sarah Jones aims to give people the information they need to express their funeral wishes, or to arrange a funeral at need. The book is published by Fisher King Publishing and is available from Amazon and book stores. All proceeds from this book are being donated to a local bereavement charity.
With thanks to Sarah Jones and The Good Funeral Guide for the images used in this article.